I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
