Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
