My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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