i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
