The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
