my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
