Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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