is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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