Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
