On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
