My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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