When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
