meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
it glows. i had to have it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
