im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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