I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
