so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
