well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
