Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
