the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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