So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Even my vagina gasped.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
