How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
