Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
