he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
