gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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