Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
