she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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