arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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