Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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