if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
