Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
