Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
