it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
