I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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