Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
