I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
