organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
