Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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