Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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