2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
