I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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