If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
