Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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