I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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