how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
