I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
