They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
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And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
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He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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