if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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