What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate