She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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