Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I deserve this hangover.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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