Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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