Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
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This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
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I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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