i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
