Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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