Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
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We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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