I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
