I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
