Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
