Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I could fuck to npr.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
