I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
